Monday, October 31, 2011

Abide in Me

Not having a "home" is becoming increasingly frustrating.  I am certainly not homeless by any means, nor have I ever been.  However, ever since I traveled to Haiti last September, I've felt very unsettled and unsure as to where I belong.

I will spare you the details and explanation as to why I've been bouncing back and forth between Haiti and the US, but I will give you the overview of the last year:

September 2010 to December 2010: Living in Haiti at Faith Hope Love Infant Rescue
December 2010 to January 2011: Living in the US with my family
January 2011 to March 2011: Living in Haiti at FHLIR again
March 2011 to July 2011: Living in the US with my family
August 2011 to October 2011: Living in my own apartment in Haiti while teaching kindergarten
mid October 2011 to present: Living in the US with my family

As you can see, I've been doing lots of packing, traveling, and unpacking.  Aside from the physical labor it takes to move back and forth so many times, it also takes a toll emotionally.  When I lived at Faith Hope Love Infant Rescue, in my mind I thought that I would be there for much longer than 6 months in total.  However, I eventually felt God telling me that it was not the place for me.  At the time, I thought maybe God was closing the door to Haiti, but He called me back again.  This time to teach kindergarten at TLC Barefoot School.  When I moved back to Haiti in August, I fully planned to be there for at least ten months.  I finally felt like I was really committing to Haiti as my "home".  But as I too often forget, life doesn't always conform to fit the plans that we make.  So, I find myself back in the United States yet again, trying to decide where I belong.

Some of my closest friends jokingly started calling me a "gypsy" because I'm never in one place for very long. (Although, I'm not sure moving back and forth between the same two places really qualifies me as a gypsy).  I've had people ask me when I'm going to "settle down".  I've also had people tell me "you'll never be able to meet someone and get married if you don't stay in one place!"  I would just like to say for the record: I do not enjoy constantly packing and unpacking my life and moving back and forth.  I would gladly "settle down" in one place (preferably Haiti), and if the right person comes along, I would gladly get married.  But, that is just not how life has worked out for me thus far, and I am trying to just deal with it despite how frustrating it may be for me.  I am simply trying to follow what GOD is calling me to rather than trying to set up my own circumstances for earthly success.

I know I am not the first person that has traveled, and I'm sure many people live a lifestyle of constant/excessive travel.  But, that has not been my goal.  Each time I move to Haiti, I have tried to make it my home.  Each time I have come to the United States, I have viewed it as a transition time in which I don't want to get too established or too comfortable.  Why is it that something always seems to keep me from settling in Haiti??  In my heart, I truly believe that God wants me there.  So based on that thought, it is only logical that either 1) I have not found my niche there yet or 2) Satan is trying to keep me from being in Haiti.

Before moving into my apartment and teaching for TLC, I felt "homeless".  I hadn't found a place in Haiti where I felt like I truly belonged, and I knew that the US was no longer the place for me.   I took the job at TLC with the intention of being there for a long commitment.  Then, the circumstances basically ripped me from my newly established "home" and plopped me back here...again...at my parents house trying to figure out where I belong.  While it is wonderful being at my parents home and spending time with them, it no longer feels like home to me.  I feel more like a guest.  (That could also be partially due to the fact that my dad constantly refers to me as his "tenant" and himself as my "landlord").

I don't really know why I feel the need to label a specific place as "home".  Maybe that is just basic human nature.  I've had many frustrated prayer times with God about this issue.  "Where is my home?!  Where do I belong?!  I feel completely torn between two vastly different countries.  I cannot build normal relationships/friendships or routines because I am never in one place for more than a few months.  I am constantly missing one country or the other.  I am constantly missing one group of friends or the other.  WHERE IS MY HOME, GOD????"

This is what I felt like the Lord told me:

Katie, abide in me.  Make me your home.  Stop worrying about where you are physically on the Earth and focus on where/who your are Spiritually.  Give me your worries, your doubts, and all your attention.  Get to know me better.  Abide in me, and then it won't matter where I send you to do my work.  Abide in me, and it won't matter what life throws at you.  Abide in me, and then even if you are living on the streets you won't be homeless.  If you abide me then you are always home.

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.
John 15:7

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Temperature Shock

My body is very confused and angry at me right now.  A week and a half ago, I was in Gonaives in sweltering Haitian heat getting sunburned and dripping in sweat.  Today, I am in the United States in 35 degree weather, walking my dog in a snow storm, soaking wet, and freezing.

It is foretasted that we are going to get 6 to 10 inches of snow by tonight.  It's only October 29th...something is wrong here.  I've decided that I really don't like seasons or cold anymore.  There is something to be said for living in a place where the weather is always hot and sunny and beautiful.  I miss Haiti.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Clavens

I know that many of you have been praying for Clavens, and many of you have been asking about him.  Mr. Nickson has been teaching my class for me, and he has shared that all the students are doing well, including Clavens.  However, I received a sad e-mail this week.

Earlier this week, Clavens' father passed away.  If you remember, I watched Clavens' father try to beat in front of me on school property one day.  Clavens' mother has taken him out of school for a few days.  I have been praying for Clavens and wondering if his life will be better or worse now that his father has passed.  While no child deserves to grow up without a father, is being fatherless better than having a father that beats you?  I don't know.  I do know that Clavens needs lots of prayer.  He has been through a lot in his 6 years of life.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The light shines in the darkness...

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5 

I'm sure that many of you faithful blog followers and friends have been wondering what is going on and where I have been for the past two weeks.  I am still here, and I'm still standing.

The past two weeks have been hands down the most difficult weeks of my life.  I considered not posting anything, but so many of you are near and dear friends and supporters.  You love and care about me.  Since I moved to Haiti, my life has become similar to an open book.  So, as difficult as this is for me to share, I feel that I must.

The recent events are deeply personal and incredibly difficult.  Not sharing them with anyone would certainly make things simpler and easier for me, but I have realized that Satan loves darkness and secrets.  So, I want to expose him, and take away his power in this situation.  My ultimate hope in sharing my story is not to gain pity, sympathy, stares, or extra attention.  I want to bring things into the light and maybe somehow be an encouragement to other people.

As I write this, it is 2 PM on Tuesday, October 18th.  I am currently sitting on an airplane flying to the United States from Haiti.  This is an unplanned, unwanted, and unexpected trip.  I don't even know where to start this story, or how I can possibly explain everything.  For the sake of those involved, and because this is a gruesome difficult thing to talk about, I will not go into details.  What I will say is this:  Two weeks ago, I was used, manipulated, and preyed on by a trusted friend and fellow American missionary.  He was someone that was actively involved with my church in Haiti and shared many of my mutual friends.  He was someone that many people, both Haitian and American, looked up to and trusted.  I valued his friendship and his spiritual insights.

While visiting with me one evening in my apartment, he sexually assaulted me and attempted to rape me.  There had been so much mental manipulation and deceit involved in the events leading up to the assault, that I was very confused and also in physical shock.  In fact, I was in such a strange state of mind that I didn't even really comprehend what had happened to me.  I was scared and confused (again all part of the manipulation that had taken place), that I felt like I could not tell anyone.  He had me convinced that what had happened to me was actually my fault.

Thankfully 24 hours after I was attacked, the Lord set up a circumstance where I was alone with a close and trusted female friend.  I almost did not open up to her, but she could tell something was wrong and she was persistent enough that I told her the entire story - every detail.  She was a best friend to the man that assaulted me, so she was in of shock as well.  Throughout the entire explanation, I did not shed a tear.  Even though I was reliving the entire event, it still had not hit me how serious it was.  After I saw the confused, terrified look of fear on her face, I began to realize it was real and very serious.  The flood gates of my heart finally opened and I remember sitting on the couch with her as the first few tears began to fall.  She held me and just said, "Yes.  Cry.  Just cry."  At that moment, I felt like I would never be able to stop crying.

That night, my friend helped me pack some clothes and she took me to her house in another neighborhood...somewhere where we both felt safer.  I was physically sick, and unable to sleep.  I think I just laid awake all night with millions of thoughts and painful memories running through my mind.  At that point in time, any strength of my own that I had been drawing from was gone.  I was a mess.

The next morning, the man that assaulted me suspected that I had told someone.  So, he began text messaging and calling me repeatedly.  Simply put, he knew the truth was out and he was scared for himself.  Neither my friend nor I really knew what we should do about the situation.  At that point, we were still the only two people (besides the man) that knew what had happened.

Thankfully, God is faithful and He brought the perfect people for the situation at exactly the right time: A married couple, who are missionaries in Gonaives and mentors to the friend who was helping me.  They had business to attend to in Port-au-Prince and they were planning on spending some time with my friend that day.  When they arrived at her house, she explained that something bad had happened and they needed to hear the story and help us.  So, we all sat down together.  I was unable to stop crying long enough to speak.  So, my friend retold the story (she had taken detailed notes of what happened to me).  They were horrified and outraged, and they immediately starting taking action.  Because I was such a wreck, the three of them just took over for me.

They set up a meeting with the man's "employers" in which we explained the gory details of what happened.  From there, they took me to the school to explain to Mr. Nickson the situation and pack some clothes.  Then, they quite literally whisked me away across the country to Gonaives where I could feel safe and breath some different air.  I can say honestly the drive and that day was one of the longest of my life.  The entire day I could barely speak or stop crying.  I just remember telling them, "I can't do this - I can't do this - It's too hard - It's too much - I can't do this".  The entire time, they held my hands, loved me, encouraged me, reminded me that I had already overcome the worst of it, and they spoke God's truth over me.  God had picked the perfect people to surround me with for this ordeal.  When I could not speak, they were my voice and spoke for me.  When I had no strength left, they were strong for me.  Looking back on it now, it is absolutely incredible how God used each person to help me.

Upon arrival in Gonaives, I had to face the scariest and most difficult part of the whole thing: calling my parents.  I could not physically bring myself to do it, nor could I stop crying.  So, my friend, my voice, called them for me and explained the situation.  I remember her handing the phone to me and saying, "You don't have to talk, just say hello.  They just need to hear your voice."  I remember just losing control and hyperventilating when I heard my parents voices on the line.  My dad told me he would be on the next flight out, and he made me promise not to listen to the voice in my head that was telling me it was my fault.

My dad was scheduled to land in Port on the first flight the next day, but a traffic accident on the way to the airport caused him to miss his flight.  The time in between calling my parents on Tuesday and when my dad actually arrived Thursday night is all a blur.  After we told my parents, I finally stopped crying for the first time in days.  Then, I just felt numb - as if all of my emotions had been used up.  I remember sitting in a gazebo in the slums where my friends minster, and I didn't feel anything inside.  I was just there.  Some young Haitian girls came up to me and began playing with my hair.  I didn't even say a word to them.  I just sat there starring at the ground.  They began to braid my hair into cornrows.  They are not gentle.  I remember cringing from the pain of them pulling my hair as they brushed and braided it.  I remember thinking: this hurts, but I don't care because it feels good to be able to "feel" something.  I could physically feel the pain in my head and it was the only thing that I was feeling.  The rest of me was just numb, but that pain reminded me that I was still there...still alive.

The day that my dad arrived was when the major healing in my heart began.  I went from feeling numb to slowly starting to feel like me again.  The details are all a blur, but day by day God was revealing His truths to me and each day I could feel God taking part of my burden away.

By our last day in Gonaives (Sunday), it had been a week since the attack.  God had done so much supernatural healing in my heart that it felt like months had passed.  I felt like a new woman.  That day, everyone had questions for me: "Do you want to talk to him face to face?  Do you want to have him arrested?  Do you want to press charges?  Who do you want to meet with before you leave the country?  What else do you feel you need to do for your healing process?"  It was overwhelming and difficult.  So, I escaped to the roof away from everyone to think and pray.

It was there on the roof that I reflected on everything God had already done in my heart that week:  what happened to me was NOT my fault.  Believing that it was my fault was an attempt of the enemy.  I also realized that I had made some bad judgement calls in relation to the man that attacked me.  God and I worked through that together and I let go of it.  I took hold of the truth that I am still a child of God and that what happened to me did not ruin me.  The most important thing that God revealed to me that day on the roof was that I truly and whole heatedly forgave the man that had hurt me.  The instant that I realized I had forgiven him, I felt the last of the pain leave my heart and the last of the burden lifted from my shoulders.  I felt whole and strong.  I praised God for allowing me to forgive him.  Then, I grabbed a pen and paper and I wrote the man that attacked me a letter.

That night, my friends met with the attacker face to face and read him the letter out loud.  Then, they gave it to him.  In the letter, I told him what his actions had done to me and how he had hurt me.  I told him what God had been doing in my heart since then, and I told him some words that I felt God wanted him to hear.  Then, I told him that I forgave him.

After the meeting, my friend shared with me how it went.  She was angry and frustrated because during the meeting, he would not make eye contact, show remorse, or show any kind of emotion.  She explained that she felt no closure after talking to him.  During the meeting, he admitted to everything that he had done to me, but when they read my letter to him he showed no reaction to my words.  The incredible thing was that as I listened to my friend explain all this, I didn't care.  It didn't upset me because it was not my burden to bare anymore.  At that moment, I knew without a doubt that my forgiveness was real because it was not changed by his reaction.  The moment that I forgave him in my heart, I had the only closure I needed.  God had supernaturally given me the ability to forgive him and hold no bitterness in my heart.

Aside from what physically happened to me, it has been hard to deal with how many other hearts/lives have been broken and hurt because of this man.  As I said before, he was a trusted friend, confidant, and spiritual leader to many people.  He had deceived so many people.  So many lives have been affected.  This is not just "my issue".  It is affecting and impacting my entire community in Haiti.

Some of what I've seen there worries me.  Some people there are afraid to feel or face the pain of what he did to them.  Because I am "the victim" they are ignoring how it affects them personally.  They are letting it just be my problem to face.  I hope and pray that those involved will allow themselves to grieve the lost friendships and broken trust that he caused.

I've personally reached the point now where I have accepted that fact that this main has addiction issues.  I believe that he is either demon possessed or has a demonic attachment.   However, he was not powerless to those forces.  He messed up and made some very bad mistakes.  He needs to own up to that and get serious help.  Despite what he did to me, my anger is directed towards Satan: the father of lies and master of deception.  His only goal is to bring destruction - to kill and destroy any and all good in the world.  Satan brought on a full fledged attack upon me and my community in Haiti.  But, I am still standing.  I have survived.  I spoke up and brought that which was in the darkness into the light.

I will never say that I am glad I was assaulted - that would be insane.  However, I am glad about the goodness that has come from this.  I'm glad that this man's deep dark secrets and problems were brought into the light.  I'm glad that hopefully because I didn't keep quiet, this pattern of destruction in his life will end now.  He won't be able to hurt another woman again.  Because of what happened, I am stronger, my faith is stronger, my relationship with the Lord is deeper.  I have a new passion to fight back against evil.  Something that was intended to destroy me, has made me a warrior.

I always knew in my mind that as Christians we are in a war, but I never knew it in my heart in such a deeply personal way.  Satan has messed with the wrong girl - this is not the end of my work in Haiti.  It is going to take more than that to keep me from fulfilling my high calling.  Of course Satan would attack so strongly if I am right where God wants me.  If good is happening, if love is present, if God is being glorified then Satan will always be fighting against us.  I am jumping to the front lines with a new strength and desire to advance God's Kingdom with overpowering love.  Satan tried to take me down and run me out of the country, but he is a liar.  Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!  I will return to Haiti, God's love will continue outshine darkness, and God will be glorified.

I pray that what has happened to me opens new doors of ministry, greater compassion, and greater understanding.  I thank God for the supernatural healing and revelation that he has given me.  While I pray that my healing continues, I ask that God not let me forget what Satan did to me.  I want to keep this passion and desire to fight evil alive in my heart.  I'm amazed at the good that has come from something so terrible and evil.  God is working all things together for His good and for the good of those that love Him.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Sunrise

In the U.S. I have never...ever...been a morning person. But, somehow here in Haiti I am (kinda). I think it has to do with the hot tropical sunlight that comes streaming in my bedroom window just before 6 AM each day.  It makes it basically impossible to keep sleeping.

There are a few perks to being up so early, and beautiful sunrises are at the top of the list...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Featured Activist on Compassion's Cry

Today, I was featured on a blog called "Compassion's Cry".  It a wonderful little blog created to encourage people to take action and take a stand for those in need.

I was asked a few weeks ago to write a post for them, and they featured it today.  Click here to check it out!
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