The real Jubilee

I've always tried to be honest on my blog and share the stories that I experience, even those that hurt.  But, I also hesitate to give too detailed descriptions for fear that you will feel sorry for me, or think this place is miserable.  But, the truth is that this place is miserable.  Know that I am choosing to live here...I want to live here....I like living here...I love this place, but its miserable.  Its difficult.  Sometimes I hate it.  April, the principal at the school, wrote a very honest blog post about the difficulties of living here.  It encouraged me to "let it out," and be real with all of you.    I attempted to get some of these feelings out in my last post, but I held back.  I'm not going to this time.  Forgive me in advance for being blunt.  

I cry on a regular basis and my heart hurts in ways that I can't even put to words.  Some days, tears just come and I can't explain why.  All of Haiti is poor and all of Haiti is difficult.  But, Jubilee takes that all to a new level.  Jubilee is not just poor, it is a ghetto.  It is literally, the city dump.  Garbage trucks make frequent daily trips to Jubilee to unload trash beside our school.  All day long those mounds of trash burn.  Children rummage through the piles of trash for anything worth saving.  In the same area of Jubilee, directly beside the school, everyone comes to defecate because they do not have access to bathrooms.  Jubilee has canals lining the roads that are filled with a dark black/green water mixed with trash and mosquitoes.  The smell of Jubilee is a mixture of trash and human waste.  Because of the location, Gonaives and Jubilee are prone to flooding.  The flooding from previous years has wiped away all the good soil and replaced it with salty soil that is nearly impossible to grow in.  Therefore, it looks like a dry barren desert.  There is almost nothing green in Jubilee.

The sight of Jubilee alone is enough to move you to tears.  Then, you get to know the people that live there.  The people of Jubilee have ghetto mindsets.  They are tough, they are spiteful, they say things to hurt you.  They fight for respect.  They throw rocks at each other.  They fight, lie, and steal.  They curse at each other.  They make fun of each other.  They threaten each other.  Both grown men and teenaged boys have blatantly told me to have sex with them.  Young children have looked me right in the eyes and cursed at me.  

Young children have told me stories about family members being raped.  The worst part of it is that as they explain it, they seem unhurt by it.  It is part of normal life to them.  It is common.  The children running around Jubilee are all naked or wearing scraps of torn clothing.  Their bodies are often scarred, covered in rashes or ringworm.  It is hard to guess the ages of the children in Jubilee because they are way too skinny for their age.  Ten and eleven year old children are 35 pounds.  Last week a nine year old girl died from a fever.  With good medical care, she very easily could have lived.  This week, one of our student's mother died.  The brother of two of my students, a three year old boy, has permanent brain damage from getting meningitis a month ago.  He cannot walk, talk, or eat.  His father carries his limp little body around taking him to the clinic for daily shots.  You can see the pain and helplessness in his father's eyes.  Children come to school bleeding where their parents whipped them the night before because they could not do their homework correctly.  One of my kindergarteners missed school today because her father knocked out several of her front teeth after beating his wife.  

Simply walking from Jubilee to my house it emotionally draining.  Men cat-call, make sexual comments, stare, and sometimes even lick their lips at me.  Multiple times I have felt sick to my stomach because of the way they look at me.  I cannot imagine being a Haitian woman in this country.

People beg for money whether they truly need it or not.  My skin is white.  That means I have money.  So, they beg.  When I say no, I'm told that I'm selfish.  I'm told that God will judge me and punish me.  Two days ago a very plump woman with nice clothes, jewelry, and make-up (who was selling in the market) told me that if I didn't give her 5 gourdes, she might die of starvation and that would be on my conscience.  In theory, I know they are just trying to say those mean things to get what they want from me.  They don't actually know me.  Their words shouldn't actually hurt me.  But they do.  One hurtful word after another, they get to me.  Saturday afternoon when I got home from the market, I went to my room to cry because I was so overwhelmed.

Despite all that I wrote above, there is hope here.  I see it in the little things.  I see hope when I can carry a conversation, become friends with, or pray with some of the people that berate me in the market.  I see hope when my students make good choices and treat each other with kindness and love.  I see hope when my students tell the truth.  But there are days when the only place that I see hope is when I fix my eyes on Jesus.  I've been thinking about and praying about this a lot lately.

What I see and experience around me is overwhelming and one could easily get lost in it.  Ephesians 6:12 has been on my mind a lot.  "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."  I've been thinking and praying about it throughout this week.  There are two realities: The Kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Hell.  We have the power to choose which of those two kingdoms are released in Jubilee and the rest of the world.  What we see in Jubilee right now - -  lying, stealing, pain, sickness, death - - is straight from the Kingdom of Hell.  That is Satan's eternal punishment, not our destiny.  That was never intended for us.  God intended for us to be a part of the Kingdom of Heaven, to be in relationship with Him, and to be given heavenly blessings.  Satan's worse fear is that we would know the power God has given us.  When we recognize OUR power in Christ, Satan's power becomes useless.  His power and God's cannot co-exist.  God will always win.  With God, we will always win.  Because of that, Satan works hard to confuse us, overwhelm us, and to intimidate us.  

Right now, I see a lot of darkness and pain in Jubilee.  That is exactly what Satan wants us to see.  It is a scare tactic.  2nd Corinthians 4:18 says "so we fix our eyes not on what is see, but what is unseen."  We need to fix our eyes on Heaven.  As it says in Matthew 6:10, we are to pray "Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven."  We need to be confident in the Holy Spirit.  We need to and wait with open arms for God's Kingdom to come on earth, to come to Jubilee.  We need to be expectant for God's power to be displayed when we pray.  The Holy Spirit is inside of us, and He wants out.  He is not meant to be confined.  According to Galatians 5:22-23, the Holy Spirit produces fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Currently, what I see in Jubilee is the exact opposite of the fruit of the Spirit, but as we release the Holy Spirit over Jubilee, the fruit will all follow.  When it touches the people of Jubilee, lives will change.  Hearts will change.

Let's be real, I can sit on my bed and write this and think about it, but when life is slapping me in the face in the middle of Jubilee it is not as easy as it sounds in theory.  The truth is, I lose my patience with my students.  I get angry.  I sometimes argue back when I should turn the other cheek.  Sometimes I am harsh with my students because I'm frustrated or tired.  Sometimes I avoid talking to people because I don't feel like dealing with their problems.  Sometimes I don't reach out my hand and pray for people who are sick or hurting because I'm self conscious or scared.  I mess up every single day, but thank the Lord he refreshes me each morning.  I get second, third, and fourth chances to do this right.  Luckily for me, the Holy Spirit doesn't make mistakes.  I need to start relying on myself less and the Holy Spirit more.  I'm expecting big miracles.  I'm fixing my eyes on Heaven.  Hope is here in the midst of the mess.

Ramblings and Rants

It's Friday.  I'm dead tired.  I'm sitting on my balcony in the dark listening to the kompa music at the resto bar (aka shack) next door. I don't know why I'm even bothering to attempt a blog post when I'm this tired, but I realize I've been neglecting my blog.  I've been told that I have a lot of devoted followers....so this is for you.  So, try to follow my scatter brained random update.

Let's see......This is probably too much information, but I've been battling stomach issues for the past two weeks.  Monday was the worst day.  I got to school and shortly after arriving started vomiting and having diarrhea (worse than the previous week) so I could't teach that day.  Thankfully, my paraprofessional covered my classes for me, and I took a motorcyle home.  Pray that these issues resolve soon!

Julie, my roommate, has a small motorcyle.  She let me take it to Jubilee last Sunday to practice riding it on the salt flats.  Since then, she has been letting me borrow it every now and then when she is not using it.  It's quite an adventure maneuvering around the other zillion motocycles on the streets, but it is such a feeling of freedom being able to drive myself around rather than rely on tap-taps and moto taxis. Since I have no means of transportation, I have to pay to ride a tap-tap or take a motorcycle to and from school each day.  My house is a couple miles from the school. I would love to be able to buy my own one day, but at this point in time I do not have any extra funds to do so.  Money is very tight for me this year.  I hate asking others for money, however if any of you feel moved to support me, it would be a huge blessing!  I cannot do any of this without the support of all of you!

School has been difficult...the most difficult job I've ever had.  However, it has hands down been the best things I've ever done.  Daily, I am faced with crazy mind boggling issues that one would never imagine facing.  But, I've never felt more like "I'm in the exact right place."  I want to rip my hair out, scream, cry, punch something, hide, run away, and give up...BUT I've never felt more at peace and more content than I do since moving here.

The last thing that I want to do is make this place sound unpleasant.  Because the reality is that I love it SO MUCH.  And I love the people here more than words.  I know in my heart that if Jesus were on Earth right now, he would sit himself down in Jubilee with these very people.  BUT with that being said, it is stinkin' hard.  Jubilee is a poverty stricken ghetto.  The people here have hardened hearts.  They fight.  The argue.  They yell.  They throw rocks at each other.  They steal.  They lie.  They try to use us for money.  They don't respect each other.  Everyday, I feel like as we are teaching the kids how to treat each other with love and respect, and at the same time their parents are teaching the opposite at home.  It is frustrating...it breaks my heart....it makes me angry.  During our staff meeting this morning one of the Haitian teachers said, "Teaching the kids is like a rope.  We tie the rope at school and at home the parents are untying it."  I loved what Lala said in response, "Yes, you are right.  That's exactly what it is like and its hard to deal with.  And, it seems like nothing we do is making a difference.  In school we teach the kids not to fight, but at home the parents are teaching the kids to fight.  So, if we want it to stick with them, we just have to teach them not to fight, MORE than the parents teach them to fight.  And one day, they will get to choose which of the two choices is better."

I'm doing my best, but my conclusion is that we need more Jesus in this place.  I don't want you to imagine the people in Jubilee as terrible people.  They are people just like you and I, and they have all lived though hell.  They are my friends.  We laugh.  We joke.  We work together.  We share stories.  We are doing this life together.  But, its hard.  It is so hard.  Please pray for that.  Pray for more Holy Spirit.  More Jesus.  Pray for an overflowing abundance of peace and love for one another in Jubilee.

I warned you that this was going to be a scatter brained post.  I don't know where to fit this in. But, I want to share this little gem of a story:

One of my beautiful, smart students, Lorisena was threatening students yesterday.  Several children were tattling on her for it.  April (the recipient of the tattling) assumed she was just threatening to beat them up after school (which is a very typical from our students).  However, that was NOT what she was threatening to do.  She was threatening to write their names on a piece of paper and throw it on a red car.  "What the...?" you might ask.  Why is that bad????  Well apparently in Voodoo, when your name is written on paper and it touches something red, you get a curse put on you.  Suddenly, it all makes sense.  Lorisena's father is a Voodoo priest.  I know her father.  He is a kind sweet looking older man.  I like him a lot.  But, he is a Voodoo priest.  All I can say is, "Seriously?!  For real?!"  What the heck are we supposed to say in response to that????  How do we punish her in this situation??  Never in my life did I imagine myself dealing with stuff like this and living in a place like this.  It actually makes me laugh.  Sometimes I take a step back and look at what I do on a daily basis and I just laugh.  My life NOW cannot possibly be any more different than it was three years ago.  But I love it.

The Big Move!

Since August, I have been living in "the girls house".  Shortly after moving in, the landlord announced that when the lease was up in October, he did not want to rent it out any more.  There were five of us living there at the time.  So, we all started looking for other places to live.  April moved to Jubilee (which was already planned prior to the landlord's announcement), Grace and Kez moved to an apartment, and Julie and I began house hunting for a place to share.

She has a motorcycle so we needed a place with a wall around it so that her moto would not be easy to steal.  That made our house hunting a little bit more challenging.  We found one house that was out of my price range and much larger than we needed.  But, it was really nice and Julie loved it.  So, she offered to pay two thirds of the rent and I would pay one third.  I agreed, but I never had a great feeling about that house.  

We met the owner and discussed the work that would need to be done before we could move in (put in sinks, shower faucets, and get the electricity working properly).  He agreed to have everything in working order within one week.  It is Haiti, so unless we paid part of the rent in advance, they would not have the funds to do the repairs.  We paid $500 and signed a "contract".  The contract was written on a floral print post-it note, in French, with both of our names spelled incorrectly...very official.  One week later, we went back to see if it was all finished.  It was not.  On top of that, the landlord informed us that our electricity was not strong enough to pump water from our cistern up to the roof (our only way of having running water).  He had no intentions of fixing the problem as he had promised to do.  So, we got our money back and decided that was not the house for us.

We were worried about finding a place in such a short amount of time.  Julie thought that she might have to sacrifice her moto for a house without a wall/gate.  But, our Papa longs to take care of His children.

The very next day, Julie saw a for rent sign on a little place on one of the busier roads.  She stopped by, met the man who takes care of the house and called me to come see it, too.  We both loved it immediately!  We negotiated on the rent and then paid half in advance.  They asked for one week to finish up some small repairs.  Exactly one week later, and we are in our new house!  It is PERFECT!

Almost everyone in our "clan" came out today to help us move today.

There were around 20 people.  We had both Haitian friends and American friends working together to get us settled in.  It was a full house, but it was full of joy and excitement.  I am so blessed and so thankful for this life of mine.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Our house is right on the way to Jubilee so it will be easy for me to find a moto or a tap-tap to get to school everyday.  It's on a main tap-tap route so we have easy access to public transportation.  It is walking distance from "the big house" aka the Papa Beaver and Mama Kathy's house/guest house.  It is on a second floor so we have a nice breeze.  It has a gate and wall around it.  It is the perfect size for two people.  And, it is $1,000 less per year than the first house that we looked at.  This is the 6th place that I've lived in the past two years, but I couldn't be happier.  I praise God for this wonderful blessing.  He knew our need and our desire and He provided something beautiful.  Can I say it again?  I am so blessed.

Become Like Little Children

There is excitement in the air as the students file into the "boutique" and count their paper tickets.  They've worked hard all month long to earn tickets for good behavior.  Some little trouble makers don't have any, while other students have worked hard to earn 30+ tickets.  The big day has finally arrived.  They are allowed to use their tickets as "money" to "purchase" prizes in the special school store.

Their eyes open wide as they stare at all the wonderful things in the store: pencils, erasers, toothbrushes, books, toy cars, markers, balls, jump ropes, flip flops, clothing, hair clips, and rice.  The prices range from 1 ticket for a small notebook all the way up to 200 tickets for a huge box of rice.

One by one, they are called to come up and decide if they would like to save their tickets until next month's store or spend them now.  Santia, a first grader, has 31 tickets.  She had the most out of all the students in her class.  She worked hard every single day this month to earn those tickets, and she radiated with pride each time she was awarded one.  The teachers explain to her that with 31 tickets she is able to purchase any of the small prizes, flip-flops for 20 tickets or clothing for 25 tickets.  She slowly and carefully examines all of the beautiful things.  She walks over to the table and looks at the two small packages of rice: 30 tickets.  She turns around and looks at a tiny pair of flip flops much too small for her own feet.  She studies them for a while and then moves on to the clothing.  Again, she chooses to look at clothing much too small for her own body.  She must have a younger sibling.  After several minutes, she leaves the flip flops and clothing and walks back to the rice. Without saying a word, she picks up the rice and hands her tickets to a teacher.  Her entire month's worth of tickets is on rice.  Rice. Today she is able to take pride in helping to provide food for her family. This weekend they will eat.  But she's only a child.  My heart breaks because I know that today was neither the first nor the last time that she will sacrifice normal childhood things in order to eat.

Biolan has saved his tickets all month long.  Everyday he has sat up straight in class.  He has listened to his teachers, and he has followed school rules.  He has been counting down for this moment all week.  He has over 20 tickets to spend in the store.  This is the same small boy that collects pieces of trash and bottle caps.  Certainly he will want to buy himself something nice.  I see him sitting off to the side.  As I squat down, I ask him, "What did you buy with your tickets today, Biolan?"  His eyes light up and a smile spreads across his face.  I see in his hands a pencil, a wooden toy car, and a jump rope.  He grabs the jump rope and proudly displays it for me to see.  "I bought this for my sister!!" he says with pride and excitement in his voice.  I hold back tears.  I feel completely wrecked inside.  The boy with nothing  just spent the majority of his tickets on a jump rope to give to his sister.

I saw Jesus in those children today.  In fact, I see Jesus everyday in Jubilee.  There is an obvious clash of kingdoms going on all around me everyday, but Jesus is most evident.

Watching the precious children of Jubilee brings Matthew 18 to mind.  He called a little child and had him stand among them.  And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."  Seeing these children selflessly give to others even when they have nothing of their own is one of the reasons why Jesus told us to become like children.  I'm realizing daily that my students are teaching me as much as I am teaching them.  I am teaching them science and language.  They are teaching me about the Kingdom of God.

P-au-P Day Trip

Today I was able to take a day trip into Port-au-Prince to run some much needed errands, including cashing a check from my US bank account (which I cannot do in Gonaives).  It is a three hour drive to Port, so Julie offered to substitute in my class so that I could go.  After a month and a half in Gonaives, it was exciting to be able to buy groceries in a REAL grocery store.  Don't get me wrong, I love shopping in the outdoor market, but....let's be real, grocery stores are pretty great.  My purchases?  Jelly,  brownie mix, black beans, canned chicken, and some chocolate for Julie.  Quite the variety, right?

Mama Kathy had to do some business in Delmas 75 (my old neighborhood).  So, I decided that I would surprise Nickson and the students at TLC.  Kattiana, my translator/assistant from last year, answered the gate.  She was very surprised to see me, but Nickson and the students' reactions were the best.  I felt very loved today.  My kindergarteners (now 1st graders) were so excited that they hardly knew what to do with themselves!  It was my first time seeing them since June.  Needless to say, I got lots of hugs and kisses.  It was so fun to see how much they have grown, see their missing teeth,  see their new teeth, and see how much they have learned already.  My kiddos were VERY anxious to show me how well they can read.  I was impressed!  At the end of last year, they could tell me all the letter sounds.  Now, they are already reading 4 letter words!  Jeanel was the lowest student at the beginning of kindergarten.  Now, he is the best reader in his class!

I was sad that I was only able to stay for about an hour, but my heart is happy knowing how well the kids are all doing.  The school looked great.  The students looked happy, and Nickson is doing a wonderful job keeping it running smoothly.

I'm looking forward to a longer visit!