So, where do I start? I want to document this important and awesome time in my life. I'm not a writer, nor have I ever blogged before. This is all very new to me. It's scary to think that people out there are going to be reading about my thoughts, struggles, and prayers. But, how can I not share about God's amazing works? He is changing me each and every day, and I want to share it with the world (or the few people that might actually read this, haha).
I won't begin to pretend that I've been strong in my faith over the past four years. For those of you who might be reading this and don't know me, I grew up in Christian family and was actively involved with my church all my life. I trusted God, and thought that would never change. But, when I went to college, I was slapped in the face with many things I wasn't accustomed to. I tried to stay strong in my faith, but little by little I let myself become influenced by other people and the worldly things around me. I took my eyes off the cross and began to depend on others to make me feel happy and fulfilled. Don't get me wrong, I saw it happening. It wasn't as if I was unaware of it or that I let it happen overnight. But, I thought there would be plenty of time LATER in life to put my focus on God when it was convenient for me. I selfishly cared about only myself and my own desires. I had excuse after excuse. I became a master at justifying my actions and telling myself that I was doing just fine. But, as many of you already know, God cannot be tucked away on a dark and dusty shelf until it is safe for us to let Him out in the open. He can't be stuffed inside a box under lock and key. He wants every part of us 100% of the time, and He won't settle for less. I think that He had enough of watching me try to control my life. So, he shattered the box I put him in, jumped down off the dusty shelf where I hid Him, and showed me that only He could plan a perfect life for me. And this is where my story starts to get a little more interesting....
For a long time, I believed that only I knew what was best for my life. I made plans based on what I thought would make me happy. I was putting all my time, effort, and focus into a relationship that I thought would "last forever." But, that was not God's plan for me. When that relationship came to an abrupt end, the hopes and dreams that I had for my future were shattered. It hurt so badly. I felt like I was slipping into darkness and would never see light again. Yes, I had my family and friends for support, but nothing actually made me feel better. I felt hopeless and betrayed. Worst of all, I felt alone even when I was surrounded by many people. In desperation, I called out to God. I had NOTHING left to hope for, but Him. I won't say that my pain went away instantly, but I immediately felt a sense of peace and comfort. I prayed boldly to God and worshiped Him for His mercy and grace. I didn't feel alone anymore. I continued to pray everyday. I prayed for healing. I prayed for my ex. I prayed for my family. I prayed for strength. And then, I prayed for direction in my life. I gave it up to Him. that is when I started to feel God tugging on my heart and gently whispering to me. I don't really know how to describe how it happened, but I felt like God was putting thoughts into my head and telling me, "Katie, you have nothing holding you back anymore. There is no room for excuses. Think of the children you met in Haiti. Think of the things you can do there in My name." But, it seemed crazy that God would clearly tell me to go to Haiti. I didn't really believe that God would actually speak to someone as undeserving as me. I assumed it was just my mind playing tricks on me. At first, instead of stopping and PRAYING about it, I just THOUGHT about it...over and over and over again. I knew that I needed to pray about it, but old habits die hard, and I chose to think and worry instead of pray.
Then one night before bed, I got fed up with the confusion inside my head. I picked up a book that a friend had mailed me, 101 Ways to Find God's Purpose for Your Life. I casually opened up to the page where I had last stopped reading. At the top of the page, it said in bold, dark letters, "Pray for Direction". I thought to myself, "Hmmm....WOW....Ok God, you've got my attention now. I'll finally humble myself and just pray about it."
So, I laid down in my bed and began to pray. I told Him no matter what He wanted for me I would do it. I told Him I would go wherever he wanted. I told Him I was clay in His hands...my life was His for molding. it was late at night, and as usual, I fell asleep while praying. Typically, when I fall asleep at night, I am out like a light. I rarely have vivid dreams, but that night as soon as I fell asleep, I did. I dreamed that I was in a house in Haiti with Dorothy and Dottie. I helped Dorothy put the children to bed when the house began to shake. I offered to go outside and make sure the structure of the house was ok. As I was walking around the building, I tripped and fell. Just as I was about to get up, a snake came out from under the house. It was a HUGE snake. Its mouth was open wide and I could see its large fangs were ready to bite. I was frozen in fear. I tried to back away and get up, but I couldn't move. My heart was pounding and the snake looked me in the eyes. Just when I thought that it was going to strike, I noticed something. It was covered in a net. The only reason I wasn't already a goner was because the snake was trapped. It couldn't get me. I could see it there right in front of me, but I was safe.
The next morning as I thought about the dream, I was unsure of its meaning. It was clear to me that the snake represented Satan and the net was like Jesus's blood protecting me. But, did it mean that I should go to Haiti? I still wasn't sure. So, I continued to pray, then think, pray, then think, and then finally pray some more. Then, Sunday rolled around. While I was worshiping at church, I felt compelled to kneel on the ground before God. I dropped to my knees and tears began flowing. I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me. My right arm began to shake uncontrollably, and I felt a sense of complete peace. Then, Adam, the pastor asked if he could pray for me. Through tears, I said, "Yes, for direction." He simply said, "Ok, I know what I need to pray." He prayed not for direction but for affirmation. He asked me, "Katie, is it your heart's desire to go to Haiti?" I responded, "Yes." Then, with confidence he said, "Then, it is God's desire for you." I'd say that made things pretty clear.
So....it looks like I will be going to Haiti! I don't know all of the details (where/when/how long). I'm still praying and listening to God. So far it has been a wild ride, and I know that He's just getting started. I'm am SO EXCITED. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I've never felt quite like this before. I've abandoned all that I thought was best for me, and I'm letting God write the rest of my story.
The lyrics of the song "Unpredictable" by Francesca Battistelli come to mind when I think about God and His plan:
You said the foolish would shame the wise
To put my faith in what's beyond my eyes
And to believe you have to come as a child
So help me to rest in the mystery of what I can't understand
When I know that I know what you have down the road
When I'm sure that I've figured you out
Help me see that I'm small that I can't know it all
Cause You're so unpredictable
Cause You're so unpredictable
Can't wrap my mind around You
Can't put you in a box
Cant keep You safely contained
You're gonna move the way You wanna move today
Just let me follow along
