For those of you that do not know, I am leaving Haiti on Saturday. Because I'm not ready to think about it, I am not going to get into all the emotional thoughts that are in the back of my mind. They will come...just not yet.
For the past week I've found myself taking mental pictures of everything. And thinking to myself "this might be the last time I...." I try to memorize how things feel, sound, and look. I try to savor special moments with loved ones. As I tried to fall asleep sleep last night, I reflected on the many ups and downs of this year, and I admit I cried as I remember this year and thought about leaving.
Tonight was my last English class at Union School. As you know, I teach Haitian adults two nights a week. They still have two more classes after I leave, but because it was my last class, they threw me a party. They bought Dominoes pizza (yes, we actually have a Dominoes here!) and sodas. One of my students is a prestigious judge in Haiti. She stood up and gave a really special toast to me. She talked about how much she learned and how much she likes me. And, at the end she said, "I know you will be back to Haiti. You have a home in the United States, but Haiti is your home, too. You have many friends and children here who love you. You have to come back."
That is precisely what makes this so hard. No, not hard. It feels more like impossible. I have two homes. Two families. Two groups of friends. No matter where I am, I feel like I'm abandoning someone or something. While I love Haiti with all my heart, I also love and miss my family more than I can explain.
Saturday, I am boarding a plane back to home number one. Thankfully, Mr. Nickson is accompanying me for this transition. I don't know that I could do it without him. I have no idea when I will return to Haiti. I have not committed to teaching at TLC next year. My plan is to stay in the United States indefinitely. But, I have to be honest, I don't know if I am capable of that. The thought of being away from my Haitian kids, friends, and home is too much to bear. Words cannot even describe how difficult it is. So, I guess what I should say is I don't really know what I am doing...I am leaving it up to God and praying that I have the strength to do what he requires of me. I feel caught in the middle of my own life. I'm afraid to leave and I'm afraid to stay.
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ReplyDeleteFather, Thank you for Katie. Thank you for the work you have done through her. Thank you for the lives that have been changed, and the hearts that have been touched by her gentle soul. I pray for her as she makes yet another brave step in her walk with you. I pray that she can find peace now that she is home. I pray that you keep her heart burning passionately for you. She is your devoted servant, and I pray that you continue to use her for amazing things while she spends time with family at home. She is returning to a familiar place with familiar loved ones, but at the same time leaving a country that has become familiar and dear to her as well. Please comfort her during this life change. Please bless the kiddos and the adults that Katie has been working with in Haiti. Keep them safe and protected in your strong hands. I pray that the people that Katie touched will now continue her work and spread your word. Thank you for your daughter Katie. Thank you for the impact she has made in my life.
ReplyDeleteAmen.