The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5
I'm sure that many of you faithful blog followers and friends have been wondering what is going on and where I have been for the past two weeks. I am still here, and I'm still standing.
The past two weeks have been hands down the most difficult weeks of my life. I considered not posting anything, but so many of you are near and dear friends and supporters. You love and care about me. Since I moved to Haiti, my life has become similar to an open book. So, as difficult as this is for me to share, I feel that I must.
The recent events are deeply personal and incredibly difficult. Not sharing them with anyone would certainly make things simpler and easier for me, but I have realized that Satan loves darkness and secrets. So, I want to expose him, and take away his power in this situation. My ultimate hope in sharing my story is not to gain pity, sympathy, stares, or extra attention. I want to bring things into the light and maybe somehow be an encouragement to other people.
As I write this, it is 2 PM on Tuesday, October 18th. I am currently sitting on an airplane flying to the United States from Haiti. This is an unplanned, unwanted, and unexpected trip. I don't even know where to start this story, or how I can possibly explain everything. For the sake of those involved, and because this is a gruesome difficult thing to talk about, I will not go into details. What I will say is this: Two weeks ago, I was used, manipulated, and preyed on by a trusted friend and fellow American missionary. He was someone that was actively involved with my church in Haiti and shared many of my mutual friends. He was someone that many people, both Haitian and American, looked up to and trusted. I valued his friendship and his spiritual insights.
While visiting with me one evening in my apartment, he sexually assaulted me and attempted to rape me. There had been so much mental manipulation and deceit involved in the events leading up to the assault, that I was very confused and also in physical shock. In fact, I was in such a strange state of mind that I didn't even really comprehend what had happened to me. I was scared and confused (again all part of the manipulation that had taken place), that I felt like I could not tell anyone. He had me convinced that what had happened to me was actually my fault.
Thankfully 24 hours after I was attacked, the Lord set up a circumstance where I was alone with a close and trusted female friend. I almost did not open up to her, but she could tell something was wrong and she was persistent enough that I told her the entire story - every detail. She was a best friend to the man that assaulted me, so she was in of shock as well. Throughout the entire explanation, I did not shed a tear. Even though I was reliving the entire event, it still had not hit me how serious it was. After I saw the confused, terrified look of fear on her face, I began to realize it was real and very serious. The flood gates of my heart finally opened and I remember sitting on the couch with her as the first few tears began to fall. She held me and just said, "Yes. Cry. Just cry." At that moment, I felt like I would never be able to
stop crying.
That night, my friend helped me pack some clothes and she took me to her house in another neighborhood...somewhere where we both felt safer. I was physically sick, and unable to sleep. I think I just laid awake all night with millions of thoughts and painful memories running through my mind. At that point in time, any strength of my own that I had been drawing from was gone. I was a mess.
The next morning, the man that assaulted me suspected that I had told someone. So, he began text messaging and calling me repeatedly. Simply put, he knew the truth was out and he was scared for himself. Neither my friend nor I really knew what we should do about the situation. At that point, we were still the only two people (besides the man) that knew what had happened.
Thankfully, God is faithful and He brought the perfect people for the situation at exactly the right time: A married couple, who are missionaries in Gonaives and mentors to the friend who was helping me. They had business to attend to in Port-au-Prince and they were planning on spending some time with my friend that day. When they arrived at her house, she explained that something bad had happened and they needed to hear the story and help us. So, we all sat down together. I was unable to stop crying long enough to speak. So, my friend retold the story (she had taken detailed notes of what happened to me). They were horrified and outraged, and they immediately starting taking action. Because I was such a wreck, the three of them just took over for me.
They set up a meeting with the man's "employers" in which we explained the gory details of what happened. From there, they took me to the school to explain to Mr. Nickson the situation and pack some clothes. Then, they quite literally whisked me away across the country to Gonaives where I could feel safe and breath some different air. I can say honestly the drive and that day was one of the longest of my life. The entire day I could barely speak or stop crying. I just remember telling them, "I can't do this - I can't do this - It's too hard - It's too much - I can't do this". The entire time, they held my hands, loved me, encouraged me, reminded me that I had already overcome the worst of it, and they spoke God's truth over me. God had picked the perfect people to surround me with for this ordeal. When I could not speak, they were my voice and spoke for me. When I had no strength left, they were strong for me. Looking back on it now, it is absolutely incredible how God used each person to help me.
Upon arrival in Gonaives, I had to face the scariest and most difficult part of the whole thing: calling my parents. I could not physically bring myself to do it, nor could I stop crying. So, my friend, my voice, called them for me and explained the situation. I remember her handing the phone to me and saying, "You don't have to talk, just say hello. They just need to hear your voice." I remember just losing control and hyperventilating when I heard my parents voices on the line. My dad told me he would be on the next flight out, and he made me promise not to listen to the voice in my head that was telling me it was my fault.
My dad was scheduled to land in Port on the first flight the next day, but a traffic accident on the way to the airport caused him to miss his flight. The time in between calling my parents on Tuesday and when my dad actually arrived Thursday night is all a blur. After we told my parents, I finally stopped crying for the first time in days. Then, I just felt numb - as if all of my emotions had been used up. I remember sitting in a gazebo in the slums where my friends minster, and I didn't feel anything inside. I was just there. Some young Haitian girls came up to me and began playing with my hair. I didn't even say a word to them. I just sat there starring at the ground. They began to braid my hair into cornrows. They are not gentle. I remember cringing from the pain of them pulling my hair as they brushed and braided it. I remember thinking: this hurts, but I don't care because it feels good to be able to "feel" something. I could physically feel the pain in my head and it was the only thing that I was feeling. The rest of me was just numb, but that pain reminded me that I was still there...still alive.
The day that my dad arrived was when the major healing in my heart began. I went from feeling numb to slowly starting to feel like me again. The details are all a blur, but day by day God was revealing His truths to me and each day I could feel God taking part of my burden away.
By our last day in Gonaives (Sunday), it had been a week since the attack. God had done so much supernatural healing in my heart that it felt like months had passed. I felt like a new woman. That day, everyone had questions for me: "Do you want to talk to him face to face? Do you want to have him arrested? Do you want to press charges? Who do you want to meet with before you leave the country? What else do you feel you need to do for your healing process?" It was overwhelming and difficult. So, I escaped to the roof away from everyone to think and pray.
It was there on the roof that I reflected on everything God had already done in my heart that week: what happened to me was NOT my fault. Believing that it was my fault was an attempt of the enemy. I also realized that I had made some bad judgement calls in relation to the man that attacked me. God and I worked through that together and I let go of it. I took hold of the truth that I am still a child of God and that what happened to me did not ruin me. The most important thing that God revealed to me that day on the roof was that I truly and whole heatedly forgave the man that had hurt me. The instant that I realized I had forgiven him, I felt the last of the pain leave my heart and the last of the burden lifted from my shoulders. I felt whole and strong. I praised God for allowing me to forgive him. Then, I grabbed a pen and paper and I wrote the man that attacked me a letter.
That night, my friends met with the attacker face to face and read him the letter out loud. Then, they gave it to him. In the letter, I told him what his actions had done to me and how he had hurt me. I told him what God had been doing in my heart since then, and I told him some words that I felt God wanted him to hear. Then, I told him that I forgave him.
After the meeting, my friend shared with me how it went. She was angry and frustrated because during the meeting, he would not make eye contact, show remorse, or show any kind of emotion. She explained that she felt no closure after talking to him. During the meeting, he admitted to everything that he had done to me, but when they read my letter to him he showed no reaction to my words. The incredible thing was that as I listened to my friend explain all this, I didn't care. It didn't upset me because it was not my burden to bare anymore. At that moment, I knew without a doubt that my forgiveness was real because it was not changed by his reaction. The moment that I forgave him in my heart, I had the only closure I needed. God had supernaturally given me the ability to forgive him and hold no bitterness in my heart.
Aside from what physically happened to me, it has been hard to deal with how many other hearts/lives have been broken and hurt because of this man. As I said before, he was a trusted friend, confidant, and spiritual leader to many people. He had deceived so many people. So many lives have been affected. This is not just "my issue". It is affecting and impacting my entire community in Haiti.
Some of what I've seen there worries me. Some people there are afraid to feel or face the pain of what he did to them. Because I am "the victim" they are ignoring how it affects them personally. They are letting it just be my problem to face. I hope and pray that those involved will allow themselves to grieve the lost friendships and broken trust that he caused.
I've personally reached the point now where I have accepted that fact that this main has addiction issues. I believe that he is either demon possessed or has a demonic attachment. However, he was not powerless to those forces. He messed up and made some very bad mistakes. He needs to own up to that and get serious help. Despite what he did to me, my anger is directed towards Satan: the father of lies and master of deception. His only goal is to bring destruction - to kill and destroy any and all good in the world. Satan brought on a full fledged attack upon me and my community in Haiti. But, I am still standing. I have survived. I spoke up and brought that which was in the darkness into the light.
I will never say that I am glad I was assaulted - that would be insane. However, I am glad about the goodness that has come from this. I'm glad that this man's deep dark secrets and problems were brought into the light. I'm glad that hopefully because I didn't keep quiet, this pattern of destruction in his life will end now. He won't be able to hurt another woman again. Because of what happened, I am stronger, my faith is stronger, my relationship with the Lord is deeper. I have a new passion to fight back against evil. Something that was intended to destroy me, has made me a warrior.
I always knew in my mind that as Christians we are in a war, but I never knew it in my heart in such a deeply personal way. Satan has messed with the wrong girl - this is not the end of my work in Haiti. It is going to take more than that to keep me from fulfilling my high calling. Of course Satan would attack so strongly if I am right where God wants me. If good is happening, if love is present, if God is being glorified then Satan will always be fighting against us. I am jumping to the front lines with a new strength and desire to advance God's Kingdom with overpowering love. Satan tried to take me down and run me out of the country, but he is a liar. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world! I will return to Haiti, God's love will continue outshine darkness, and God will be glorified.
I pray that what has happened to me opens new doors of ministry, greater compassion, and greater understanding. I thank God for the supernatural healing and revelation that he has given me. While I pray that my healing continues, I ask that God not let me forget what Satan did to me. I want to keep this passion and desire to fight evil alive in my heart. I'm amazed at the good that has come from something so terrible and evil. God is working all things together for His good and for the good of those that love Him.
