The children of Jubilee are distinctly different than the children that I taught last year in Port-au-Prince. I've found that the closer I grow to these children the quicker they are to get mad at me and to play hard to get.
One young girl in particular has been very difficult to spend time with. When she doesn't get her way, she gets mad. She says mean things. When I tell her that I will still love her and be her friend even if they she is mad at me, she turns her back. She stands outside my classroom watching me teach, but when I try to talk to her, she runs away or tells me she is mad at me.
One day, she came to me and gave me a lollipop that she bought. This young girl who probably doesn't eat more than once a day gave ME a lollipop. I couldn't believe it. A few days later, she asked me for money. This is where relationships get harder. Does she want a relationship with me or is she using the white girl? Probably a combination of both. And can you blame her? If you start giving money to one person, everyone will start asking you. It perpetuates the reliance on us. I never know what the right answer is. I'm never 100% confident in what I should do. I told her no I would not give her money. She instantly got mad at me and made a face at me. She told me I was selfish. She told me she was not my friend. She said, don't you remember I gave you a lollipop? I reminded her that I had shared my water, my coke, and my food with her nearly every day and that I bought her fresco in the market. But, I told her I was not going to give her money. For days, she would not talk to me.
I've tried to understand this. Does she get mad at me because she expects me, the white girl, to give her whatever she asks? Or, does she look for reasons to get mad at me? Does my love for her confuse and scare her? She told me once that her mother leaves for days on end and her sister beats her frequently. She's not a particularly pretty young girl, and people make sure that she knows it. More than once I've heard people making fun of her and calling her ugly. One day while we were walking together, a grown man redundantly asked her if she was Haitian. When she replied, yes. He said that she couldn't possibly be Haitian because she was too ugly. When I stepped in and defended her, and told the man that I thought she was beautiful and I didn't want to hear him talk to my friend that way, I saw her smile. I can't imagine being harassed that way. I can't imagine being in her shoes. I wonder, is she confused by me still showing her love even when she treats me badly? Is she shocked that I keep pursuing her despite how she treats me? Is she testing me? Does she want to know how much I care for her?
These are questions that I don't know the answer to. This is just one small example of the complexity of relationships here.
This quote is very fitting.
“There is no safe investment. To love is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it in tact you must give it to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airle
ss—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell... We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." ~C.S. Lewis
ki moun?
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