Words Will Never Be Enough

I didn't want to write about this.  I don't know why exactly....maybe because I didn't know how to put it into words, how to adequately describe it enough for others to understand the pain and the weight that comes with this experience.  But, I want to try.   I want to try mostly because it helps when others can have a small glimpse of the reality of life in Haiti.

So here goes...

My first day back in Haiti, I was riding from Port-au-Prince to Gonaives with Mama Kathy, Keziah, Grace, and Grace's friend Amanda.  I was in the back seat of the truck taking in the beauty of the green country side and starring out across the fields of rice patties.  My mind was focused on thoughts about my future in Gonaives, my future teaching in Jubilee, and the other things that were about to unfold when I arrived at my new home.  Those thoughts came to a sudden abrupt hault when I heard Mama Kathy say, "What was that?  Should we pull over?"

I tried to look out the window on the opposite side of the truck.  From what I could see, a woman was lying on the ground a few people crowded around her and a motorcycle nearby.  My first thought was: motorcycle accident.  Once our truck was in park, Keziah and Grace (both nurses) jumped out of the truck and raced over.  Thinking that I would not be of much help in this situation, I took my time climbing down out of the back seat.  But, when I walked around to the opposite side of the truck and started walking towards "the accident" I realized quickly that it was not a moto accident.  It was much worse.

Wailing.  Blood chilling wailing was the first thing that I heard.  I could hear dozens of people wailing, screaming, and crying.  At the edge of the road was a steep 20 foot grassy embankment.  Because of the hurricane the day before, there was what appeared to be a muddy stream at the bottom of the bank.  Laying flipped on its side in this water was an entire school bus full of men, women, and children.

I've seen these buses often.  In fact, I've ridden on these same buses multiple times on the route to and from Gonaives/PAP.  I've heard of terrible bus accidents.  I know the buses load way too many people on them.  I know the buses are in rough condition.  I know that it is likely the brakes will go out on them.  But, I never imagined actually seeing it with my own eyes.

As I starred down the bank at the bus, it felt surreal.  It felt like a nightmare...something that normal people like me never have to experience.  But it was very real.  I was reminded of that with each scream that I heard.  It felt like minutes that was frozen there just starring but I know it reality it was just seconds.  By the time that I realized I should be doing something, Kez and Grace had already started down the bank and into the water.  Grace yelled for me to get her rain boots from the truck.  Happy to have a specific task, I sprinted back to the truck.  When I returned with the boots, Keziah yelled for me to have Mama Kathy bring the truck closer so that we could start loading those with the worst injuries into the back of the truck to get them to a hospital.

As I told Kathy the orders, she threw some blankets and a huge pack of baby wipes at me.  Not knowing what to do, I just started searching the bank for the people who looked the most injured.  I handed them towels and bandages and simply said, "Hold this on your wound tightly."  A woman with deep cuts on her arms and wrists, an old lady with a broken arm and sliced bicep, a woman with a very bloody gash on her head.  The woman with the head injury was crying and had been repeated asking me to do something to help her.  There was too much blood to see the wound so when the truck was closer I remember helping lift her into the bed of the truck to be taken to the hospital.

So many people approached me.  Some crying because family members were still trapped.  Some crying because they were scared.  Some crying for me to help them.  One man even approached me and shoved a cell phone or some sort of camera in my face and tried to interview me.  I felt helpless.

After taking care of the most obvious needs, I noticed a little old grandmother and her granddaughter, roughly 18 years old, both sobbing, crying, wailing uncontrollably.  There are not words to describe Haitians in mourning.  It is a haunting sound.  It is truly unlike anything that I have ever heard before.  The grandmother was holding her left arm and it looked limp.  She had a huge cut on her underarm.  She probably didn't weigh more than 100 pounds.  She was soaking wet and covered in mud.  But, the worst part was what she was saying over and over and over again in a sing-song voice.  "Ser mwen mouri.  My sister is dead.  My sister is dead."  She and her granddaughter were both standing at the edge of the bank blocking the path in which Kez, Grace, and some men were trying to carry the injured people up from the bus.

There was chaos all around me, but I was just drawn to this grandmother.  I put my arm around her.  I remember repeatedly telling her, "I know, I know she's dead.  But they will find her.  They are searching for her.  They will get her out.  It is ok.  You're hurt.  Please come with me.  You need to go to the hospital.  Get in the truck.  Please."  She refused to leave her spot on the bank.  Her granddaughter was so hysterical that she was no help at all.  A few times, I left the grandmother to help others.  Each time I returned she was trying to get down the bank to her sister in the bus.  I think I helped pull her back up the bank at least three times.  I wanted to take her pain.  I wanted her to stop singing "my sister is dead".  I wanted her to go to the hospital.

While all that was taking place.  Kez and Grace were experiencing something totally different down below in the muddy water.  Kez had been barefoot while riding in the truck and she was now barefoot and knee deep in dark chocolatey brown water helping pull people out of the bus.  Because Grace is tall, she was able to hoist herself up into the bus to begin pulling people out.  She said the grandmother's sister was the first person she saw.  She checked for a pulse, found none, and moved on. As she and a nameless Haitian man we refer to as "yellow boots guy"began working together to get people out of the bus.  Kez was outside working to pull out several men that had been pinned under the bus.

There were two dead.  There was a boy with internal bleeding that Grace knew was not going to make it.  There were broken femurs, compound fractures, gashes, legs nearly cut off from the body.  One-by-one they were all pulled off the bus and carried up the bank.

Mama Kathy and Amanda had already raced off to the hospital with a young girl missing a leg, a man with his feet nearly cut off, a woman with a head wound and several others.

Since there was no rope and the bank was steep and slippery, several Haitian men and I assisted in making a "human chain" to pull people up the bank.  One man carried someone up the bank on his shoulders.  One man was carried up by four people and then laid face down on the ground.  I could see a huge gash in his leg and blood all over.  No one around me would help get him into the bed of a truck.  The crowd along the road had grown.  There were dozens of bystanders, but no one was willing to help.  Two policemen had arrived, but were not offering to help do anything either.  Finally, two men helped me and we lifted "facedown on the ground man" into the bed of the truck.  I knew he was in pain, but he didn't make a sound.  As I saw him laying in the back of the truck, I just could not comprehend the differences between the US and Haiti.

In the US, a rescue team, multiple ambulances, and probably even a fire truck would be at the scene taking care of the situation.  Trained professionals.  Not me, an elementary school teacher.  In the US, going to a hospital would feel like a safe haven....relief.  In Haiti, I cringed at the thought of taking them to a hospital.  I cringed knowing that they would probably not be prepared to receive a over a dozen severely injured people.  But, I quickly forced myself back to reality...this reality.  This is Haiti.  The best that we could do was pray, load them into the nearest pick-up truck, and take them to the most qualified place that we had.

It seemed like hours that we had been pulling people up the bank and loading them into trucks.  In reality, I think it was about half an hour.  Throughout all of that, the grandmother was still unwilling to get onto a truck to go to a hospital.  When the bus was emptied of all the living people, Grace made her way up the bank.  She saw me trying to get the grandmother onto a truck.  She joined in helping me, but grandmother still refused.  She would not take her eyes off of the bus.  Just then, I saw the body of her sister being removed.  She did too.  The grandmother already knew that she was dead, but I think she needed to see her come out of the bus.  I think she needed the slight bit of closure.  Within a few minutes, she came to me and told me that she was ready to go to the hospital.  I helped her into the backseat of a pick-up and then told her still hysterical granddaughter where they were taking her.

Then, Kez and Grace told it was time to go.  Everyone was out of the bus and loaded up.  The crowd was huge and on-lookers were everywhere.  Traffic was backed up along the road.  There was nothing more we could do.  So, we left and started walking down the road towards St. Mark, the nearest city where the hospital was located.  Kez was barefoot.  We were covered in mud and blood that was not our own.  I had my sunglasses on and I was fighting tears.  Everyone that drove past us starred and commented that "those white ladies must have been in the accident, too".  No one offered to give us a ride.  We walked over a mile and a half before we saw our truck driving towards us.

On the drive home, Mama Kathy explained what she had experienced.  She shared how no one at the hospital would help carry the injured out of the back of the truck.  One hospital administrator raised his hand and told her to wait when she simply wanted to get help for the injured people in her care.  Only one of the medical personnel offered to help.  Several people in scrubs just starred from a distance not wanting to get their hands dirty.  I heard the pain in Mama Kathy's voice as she explained that the hospital staff wanted to lay the young girl with the missing leg on the bare floor.

This is what the five of us girls are carrying now.

Things like this are the reality of every Haitian.  This is part of the struggle of life in this country.  Now, it is the reality of all of us who choose to live here.  We share this burden.  I saw things that I would have never imagined that day....things that I wish I could forget.  But since I cannot forget, I want to use this.  I want to learn from this.  I want to understand the vast struggles of these people.  I want to be able to feel what they feel.  It will hurt.  It does hurt.  But, if I cannot share their burdens how can I truly love them?

I pray that as I walk out this life here in Haiti, God will continue to give me the strength needed, to bring peace in the midst of chaos, to bring comfort in the midst of struggle, and to bring healing in the midst of pain.

Arrived Safely

Hi everyone.  This is the first that I've had internet access since I returned to Haiti so I wanted to give a quick update.

My flight landed in Haiti on schedule Saturday despite many other flights being cancelled.  It was raining hard and there was no power in the airport when I arrived.  The rain stopped that evening and the flood waters went down in most areas.  I did see some damage from tropical storm Isaac as we drove to Gonaives.  But, thankfully it did not hit Haiti as hard as was predicted.

I've been in Gonaives since Sunday afternoon and I've been doing my best to adjust.  While the differences between Port-au-Prince and Gonavies are not huge, there certainly are differences.  I cannot possibly begin to describe Jubilee right now.  I don't have the time nor the brain power.  I think I will try to remember to take my camera one day and let the pictures do the talking.

I've been spending my days helping at the school moving furniture and planning class schedules.  Next week is teacher planning/prep and the following week school starts.

It has been HOT here.  It is 100 times dustier than Port.  I sweep up a full dust pan of dirt out of my bedroom on a daily basis.  I've embraced I'm trying to embrace the fact that I will probably be sweaty, smelly, and dirty the majority of the time that I am here.

My first night here I didn't have a mosquito net over my bed.  No big deal right?  I mean, I never used one in PAP.  WRONG!  I slept a max of 2 hours because I was constantly being bitten.  In the morning, I counted over 35 bug bites on just my left hand alone!  No exaggeration!  Needless to say, I purchased a net the following day.  It has made a world of difference.

I've been enjoying my time with all the other people in our "clan" and trying to get to know everyone better.  Sorry this isn't more descriptive, but its all that I have for now.  My brain/body is tired and the internet is slow so you'll have to wait for more details later.

Thanks so much for the prayers!  Keep them coming!

PRAY!

For those of you reading this, please PRAY PRAY PRAY without ceasing for Hurricane Isaac to take an unpredicted turn away from Haiti!  As I've written many times, most homes in Haiti are unstable shacks that cannot withstand this type of weather.  In addition, thousands of people (including many of my students and dear friends) are still living in tents because of the 2010 earthquake.  In the past, thunderstorms have been deadly for people in tents...I don't even want to imagine what damage a hurricane would do.

I talked to Nickson on the phone today and he said that it is clear and sunny today.  But, it looks like sometime tomorrow the storm should hit.  I am scheduled to fly into Haiti on Saturday afternoon.  I am praying I can get there.  I already tried to change my flight to get there earlier but no flights were available for today.  Please join me and pray.

I am...

I copied this from somone's Facebook status.  I don't know who originally wrote it, but I like it and wanted to share.

My calling is sure. My challenge is big. My vision is clear. My desire is strong. My influence is eternal. My impact is critical. My values are solid. My faith is tough. My mission is urgent. My purpose is unmistakable. My direction is forward. My heart is genuine. My strength is supernatural. My reward is promised. And my God is real. I refuse to be dismayed, disengaged, disgruntled, discouraged,

 or distracted. Neither will I look back, stand back, fall back, go back or sit back. I do not need applause, flattery, adulation, prestige, stature or veneration. I have no time for business as usual, mediocre standards, small thinking, normal expectations, average results, ordinary ideas, petty disputes or low vision. I will not give up, give in, bail out, lie down, turn over, quit or surrender. I am a missionary. That is who I am. 

To help give you a mental picture...

Here are some photos that I have accumulated from my multiple visits to Gonaives over the past two years.  Much has improved since my first visit there in October 2010.  Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of recent pictures to share at this point.  But, I figured that this will help to give you all a small glimpse of where I will be working (I'll do my best to post once I get there).

The school where I will be teaching (note, they have done a lot more construction since this picture was taken)

classrooms

The mud house that the boys live in

local market

moto joyride to the river

An Answer to Prayer and a New Adventure

I decided it was time to go public with this recent news:  I am returning to Haiti.  Many of my closest friends and family are in a little bit of shock right now, and rightfully so.  When I came back to the states in June, I told everyone that I was going to be in the US long term.  In my heart and mind, I was using "long term" very loosely because I really and truly did not know what my plan was or what God had in store.  But, it is hard to explain that to others when they ask me, "So, what are your plans?"

While I love TLC Barefoot School, the students, and the staff there, I made the decision to leave.  If you know me well, then you know this past year was the most difficult year of my life.  I lived alone for a year as the only American at TLC and I also survived a very traumatic and personal incident.  I made it through, but I knew in my heart that I could not return to that situation again. 

There were things going on with my family and friends at the time that I felt I needed to be in the states for.  And, if I'm being totally honest and raw, I should also confess that I was feeling bitter towards Haiti, towards some people, and towards God for the difficult year that I had faced.  Before leaving Haiti, I told God that I would not return unless He provided me with community and if possible, in a different area of Haiti.  Yes, I realize that "telling God" was quite demanding and probably not the best thing to do, but I was angry and I'm stubborn.

Although it was truly heartbreaking to leave my students, friends, and neighbors in Delmas 75, I felt at peace with the decision to leave TLC.  I was hoping that God would speak to me before I left Haiti and give me a specific direction to go, but that didn't happen.  So, I left with no real plan for the future.

I'm pretty sure God knew that my heart was not prepared to face the idea of returning to Haiti just yet.  For my first couple weeks home, I was in heaven.  I enjoyed every second with my friends and family, walking my dog, biking, jogging, driving on paved roads, taking hot showers, eating delicious foods, walking on soft grass, and everything else you can think of.  This might sound hard to believe, but I didn't really miss or think about Haiti at all for the first couple of weeks.  Like I said, I was having some bitter feelings towards Haiti and I was enjoying the luxuries of the U.S.

But, after those first few weeks things slowly started to change.  Haiti started to pop into my mind and I would find my thoughts drifting to it more often than I liked.  It hurt and it made me uncomfortable.  So, each time I caught myself thinking about Haiti, I pushed it from my mind.  I remained stubborn and I refused to believe that maybe God was trying to tell me something.

Then, one evening I was on the computer job searching and looking at apartment listings.  I noticed that I had a facebook message.  It was from a friend of mine in Gonaives and it was completely unexpected.  She wrote asking me if I was interested in teaching at her school.  My first instinct was to chuckle as I thought to myself, "Well, isn't that terrible timing?  Too bad I already made the decision to stay in the United States." 

I closed my laptop without responding to the message, but I continued to think about it all evening.  I decided to pray about it and talk to my parents.  After expressing my fear of what others would think if I up a left again so suddenly, my dad's advice was this: Kate, figure out the desire of your heart and then pursue it.  Don't worry about what others think, and make a choice based on YOUR desires.

It was great advice with only one small problem: I'm not exactly sure what the desires of my heart really are.  I prayed and thought...then prayed and thought...then prayed and thought until God revealed to me that He provided this opportunity as an answer to my prayers demands from earlier in the summer: a loving community away from Port-au-Prince.  Aren't I lucky that my Papa loves me enough to bless me despite my stubbornness?

After that realization, I continued to think about my Dad's question: What is the desire of your heart?

To be honest, I haven't figured that out yet.  I don't have a big, huge, crazy specific dream for my life.  Yes, I want to see people healed.  Yes, I want to see people come to know the love of God.  Yes, I want to help people learn their value and their worth.  Yes, I want to see people rise above poverty.  But, that can be done anywhere.

So for the time being, I am trying to figure out what exactly my desires and dreams are, but what I did realize is this: In Haiti, I am happy.  I am challenged.  I feel like my best qualities are exemplified when I am there.  And most of all, I realized that I just plain missed Haiti.

So, I took the leap and committed to joining MUCH Ministries in Gonaives, Haiti.  For the first time since I left Haiti, I am excited about what the future holds.  I am praising God for this opportunity and I am praying for what lies ahead.  I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I prepare for the bittersweet goodbyes and joyful reunion with my Haiti loved ones on August 25th.