I cry on a regular basis and my heart hurts in ways that I can't even put to words. Some days, tears just come and I can't explain why. All of Haiti is poor and all of Haiti is difficult. But, Jubilee takes that all to a new level. Jubilee is not just poor, it is a ghetto. It is literally, the city dump. Garbage trucks make frequent daily trips to Jubilee to unload trash beside our school. All day long those mounds of trash burn. Children rummage through the piles of trash for anything worth saving. In the same area of Jubilee, directly beside the school, everyone comes to defecate because they do not have access to bathrooms. Jubilee has canals lining the roads that are filled with a dark black/green water mixed with trash and mosquitoes. The smell of Jubilee is a mixture of trash and human waste. Because of the location, Gonaives and Jubilee are prone to flooding. The flooding from previous years has wiped away all the good soil and replaced it with salty soil that is nearly impossible to grow in. Therefore, it looks like a dry barren desert. There is almost nothing green in Jubilee.
The sight of Jubilee alone is enough to move you to tears. Then, you get to know the people that live there. The people of Jubilee have ghetto mindsets. They are tough, they are spiteful, they say things to hurt you. They fight for respect. They throw rocks at each other. They fight, lie, and steal. They curse at each other. They make fun of each other. They threaten each other. Both grown men and teenaged boys have blatantly told me to have sex with them. Young children have looked me right in the eyes and cursed at me.
Young children have told me stories about family members being raped. The worst part of it is that as they explain it, they seem unhurt by it. It is part of normal life to them. It is common. The children running around Jubilee are all naked or wearing scraps of torn clothing. Their bodies are often scarred, covered in rashes or ringworm. It is hard to guess the ages of the children in Jubilee because they are way too skinny for their age. Ten and eleven year old children are 35 pounds. Last week a nine year old girl died from a fever. With good medical care, she very easily could have lived. This week, one of our student's mother died. The brother of two of my students, a three year old boy, has permanent brain damage from getting meningitis a month ago. He cannot walk, talk, or eat. His father carries his limp little body around taking him to the clinic for daily shots. You can see the pain and helplessness in his father's eyes. Children come to school bleeding where their parents whipped them the night before because they could not do their homework correctly. One of my kindergarteners missed school today because her father knocked out several of her front teeth after beating his wife.
Simply walking from Jubilee to my house it emotionally draining. Men cat-call, make sexual comments, stare, and sometimes even lick their lips at me. Multiple times I have felt sick to my stomach because of the way they look at me. I cannot imagine being a Haitian woman in this country.
People beg for money whether they truly need it or not. My skin is white. That means I have money. So, they beg. When I say no, I'm told that I'm selfish. I'm told that God will judge me and punish me. Two days ago a very plump woman with nice clothes, jewelry, and make-up (who was selling in the market) told me that if I didn't give her 5 gourdes, she might die of starvation and that would be on my conscience. In theory, I know they are just trying to say those mean things to get what they want from me. They don't actually know me. Their words shouldn't actually hurt me. But they do. One hurtful word after another, they get to me. Saturday afternoon when I got home from the market, I went to my room to cry because I was so overwhelmed.
Despite all that I wrote above, there is hope here. I see it in the little things. I see hope when I can carry a conversation, become friends with, or pray with some of the people that berate me in the market. I see hope when my students make good choices and treat each other with kindness and love. I see hope when my students tell the truth. But there are days when the only place that I see hope is when I fix my eyes on Jesus. I've been thinking about and praying about this a lot lately.
What I see and experience around me is overwhelming and one could easily get lost in it. Ephesians 6:12 has been on my mind a lot. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." I've been thinking and praying about it throughout this week. There are two realities: The Kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Hell. We have the power to choose which of those two kingdoms are released in Jubilee and the rest of the world. What we see in Jubilee right now - - lying, stealing, pain, sickness, death - - is straight from the Kingdom of Hell. That is Satan's eternal punishment, not our destiny. That was never intended for us. God intended for us to be a part of the Kingdom of Heaven, to be in relationship with Him, and to be given heavenly blessings. Satan's worse fear is that we would know the power God has given us. When we recognize OUR power in Christ, Satan's power becomes useless. His power and God's cannot co-exist. God will always win. With God, we will always win. Because of that, Satan works hard to confuse us, overwhelm us, and to intimidate us.
Right now, I see a lot of darkness and pain in Jubilee. That is exactly what Satan wants us to see. It is a scare tactic. 2nd Corinthians 4:18 says "so we fix our eyes not on what is see, but what is unseen." We need to fix our eyes on Heaven. As it says in Matthew 6:10, we are to pray "Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven." We need to be confident in the Holy Spirit. We need to and wait with open arms for God's Kingdom to come on earth, to come to Jubilee. We need to be expectant for God's power to be displayed when we pray. The Holy Spirit is inside of us, and He wants out. He is not meant to be confined. According to Galatians 5:22-23, the Holy Spirit produces fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Currently, what I see in Jubilee is the exact opposite of the fruit of the Spirit, but as we release the Holy Spirit over Jubilee, the fruit will all follow. When it touches the people of Jubilee, lives will change. Hearts will change.
Let's be real, I can sit on my bed and write this and think about it, but when life is slapping me in the face in the middle of Jubilee it is not as easy as it sounds in theory. The truth is, I lose my patience with my students. I get angry. I sometimes argue back when I should turn the other cheek. Sometimes I am harsh with my students because I'm frustrated or tired. Sometimes I avoid talking to people because I don't feel like dealing with their problems. Sometimes I don't reach out my hand and pray for people who are sick or hurting because I'm self conscious or scared. I mess up every single day, but thank the Lord he refreshes me each morning. I get second, third, and fourth chances to do this right. Luckily for me, the Holy Spirit doesn't make mistakes. I need to start relying on myself less and the Holy Spirit more. I'm expecting big miracles. I'm fixing my eyes on Heaven. Hope is here in the midst of the mess.
I have left your blog open on my screen since yesterday, trying to find words for a comment, but nothing seems right. Praying the people of Jubilee and all of Haiti turn away from Satan and to the Lord. ((HUGS))
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