It's not goodbye, It's "M'ap vini"

I have been thinking about my return trip to the United States for quite some time now. In fact, I have thought about it since I got here. On days when I was sick of rice beans, I wished that I could go to the U.S. for a slice of OIP pizza or some ice cream. On days when life here was just too hard to understand or too heartbreaking, I wished that I could go to the U.S. to forget about the realities of how most of the world lives. On days when the kids were just too cute I could hardly stand it, I wished that I could go to the U.S. to show/tell everyone about them. On days when I just simply missed my friends and family, I wished that I could go to the U.S. for a nice conversation and big hug. Yes, although I love Haiti, there have been days when I have wanted to go home. Today is not that day.

Recently, I have been really looking forward to a break in the states. Life here can be so intense, raw, heartbreaking, difficult, and exhausting. Today as I am about to get on a plane and go home, all I can think about are the wonderful parts of life here (which greatly outnumber the bad): Hugs and kisses from the kids, smiling faces calling my name, giggling babies, singing and dancing with the kids, getting to know the nannies, learning Creole, learning to drive here, making new friends, building relationships, establishing trust, growing in faith, and the list goes on and on. Today, I will have to say goodbye to my Haitian friends, my Haiti mama/grandma/friend, Dorothy, and most importantly my children.

I've been trying not to think about leaving them because it is too hard and it hurts too much. I am dreading the lonely plane ride home because I know the kids will be on my mind the whole time. Once I am home, I know that I will be overjoyed to see my family, but until then it is just plain hard. I know that I may sound as if I'm being dramatic about it, and I apologize. But, over the past three months, I have taken on the role of a parent to these kids. I knew that with that choice would come difficulties since I am not actually their “legal parent”. I thought about it before deciding to fully open up my heart to them and working with them to open their heart to me. One of those difficulties is having to say goodbye. I have never been good at goodbyes. In Haiti instead of saying, “I'll be back” when you leave, you say “M'ap vini.” In English, this translates to, “I'm coming.” So, today instead of goodbye, I will say to my children “M'ap vini, ti moun yo. Mwen renmen ou.”

I'm going to miss this:

My new friends

The beautiful country

My special girl Rosa

All my precious babies

The kids freezing in 75 degree weather

Toothless smiles

My beautiful twin girls

Baby smiles and laughter

Crafts with the kids

Goofing off

Simply being with my kids.

**Even though I will be back in the states, I will probably continue to write from time to time. This blog has become a nice outlet for my thoughts and feelings, and I'm sure that I will have lots of emotions/reflections to write about when I'm home. Also, I will be sure and post any news that I hear from Dorothy about Haiti and our kids.