Stepping off the Pedestal

"Identity is gradual, cumulative; because there is no need for it to manifest itself, it shows itself intermittently, the way a start hints at the pulse of its being by means of its flickering light.  But at what moment in this oscillation is our true self manifested?  In the darkness or the twinkle?" --Sergio Chejfec, The Planets

The last thing that I want is for my blog to be an inaccurate portrayal of what I'm really like.  So, I'm going to attempt to write a difficult post and hope that I don't crush all your images of me dressed in long skirts gently lifting kids up out of the dirt and "saving the world one kid at a time".

Oh, where to begin?  I love Haiti, but I honestly also hate it, too.  Forgive me, oh please forgive me, but this place really kinda sucks.  Its stinky, full of trash and loud people, dirty, dusty, and lacking in plant life.  Yes, I occasionally go to a beautiful beach or on a long motorcycle ride.  But, those trips are few and far between.  This is where I work everyday.  This is what I see.....

Yes, it is beautiful in its own way.  Yes, I do love it.  But, gosh I get sick of people pooping everywhere, burning trash, and only seeing dirt.  I miss plants and trees, fresh air, and clean things.

My students make my heart melt with the knowledge that they have gained and sweet things that they say and do.  But, there are many...let me say that again MANY days when school ends and I can't get out of there fast enough because my head hurts,  or I have diarrhea for the millionth time, or I'm a sweaty mess, or I'm just plain sick of my students.  There are quite a few weekends when I stay home and avoid going out to Jubilee all together because I'm worn out and sick of it.  There have been more than a few times that I have wanted to give up and just say "peace out" to all these people and go back to good old 'Merica.  Do you still have the same image of me in your head?  Hopefully not, but if you do keep reading.

More than a few times people in the states have said to me, "You are just such a blessing to that country.  People must be so grateful for everything you've given up and everything you do." HA.  Hahahahaha! Uh, no....not so much.

It is not unusual for me to be cussed out by Haitians multiple in a day...for no reason, simply because I'm white and I'm in their country.  Having men look me up and down and shout very vulgar comments at me as I pass by is part of my everyday life.  Having women in the market cuss at me and tell me I'm selfish because I didn't give them food (when they are selling food, mind you) happens every time I go to the market.  Multiple times in a week people shout at me saying, "Look at that white girl so comfortable in our country.  LEAVE.  Get out of our country!"

Based on the images that you probably have of me conjured up in your heads, I would handle each of these situations with grace and dignity.  I probably stop and become friends with them and talk to them about Jesus.  That might happen once in every 30 times.  But, no, that is not usually how it pans out.  Usually, I get angry inside and even though they don't know me at all...it hurts.  Most times I chose to ignore them.  A few times I have had the urge to cuss back at them.  Granted, I never have, but wanting to is almost as bad as actually doing it.  Many times in my head I am thinking very unpleasant thoughts.  There are days when my patience is more abundant than usual and I talk to them and make friends.  But, let's be real most days it just makes me grumpy.  Honestly, I should probably thank them because they are really good at reminding me just how much of a sinner I am and just how badly I need the grace of God.

Now, that is just a description of interactions with people that don't personally know me.  Then, there is everyone else...

In Jubilee, I have people beg from me roughly 15 times a day.  Including while I am teaching.  You see, people like to stand at the fence right outside of my classroom door and call out, "White!  Hey, white! Come here".  Each time when I go see what they want, they hold out their hand for a hand out.  My response?  "I'm working please stop bothering me and go away."  I'm so Christ-like, I know.  But, when it is constant and I'm in the middle of teaching, and they are interrupting my class, what is the best way to handle it?  I certainly don't know.

In my life, it is normal to have parents offer to give their children to me once or twice a week.  Somedays I take the time to chat with them about how children are a gift from the Lord and they need to cherish their child and take care of him/her.  But, then there are days like yesterday when I was sick, exhausted, grumpy, and trying to keep track of 20+ children during a hectic field day.  A young mama held out her little baby to me and just said, "Hey white person, take her.  I don't want her."  In my annoyance and frustration I looked at her and just said, "I don't want children yet so I don't have sex.  If you don't want kids, then don't have sex." And then I walked away.  What can I say?  I am one gentle and holy missionary.  So, I'll ask again.  Do you still have the same image of me?

Then, there are the children in Jubilee.  Oh, those blessed little children.  Those blessed little liars, manipulators, thieves, and beggars.  Really, they are not so different from all of us except they aren't afraid to show their true selves instead of covering it up with money, jobs, and fancy clothes.  They aren't afraid to say how they are feeling.  They let the air out of my motorcycle tires when they are mad at me.  They steal from me when I'm not looking, throw rocks at me, write graffiti on our school walls, tell me I'm fat and ugly, tell me I'm selfish.  They beg for money and food constantly and cuss me out for no reason.  Last week two kids got mad at me for some reason or another and so for 20 minutes they walked all around Jubilee screaming, "KATIE BITCH" at the top of their lungs in English.  Before moving to this country, I never had such a strong desire to "give a child a whopping" (said with my best southern accent).  If I were a good missionary, the way they act should have no bearing on how I love them or think about them.  But let's face it, I'm a terrible missionary.

I'm sometimes envious of people who can't speak Creole.  They can just simply take things as they appear without actually hearing or understanding the hurtful things that are being said.  Obviously, I have lots of beautiful interactions, too.  My intention is not to downplay the good things that I see everyday.  I love the people in Jubilee.  If I didn't, there would be absolutely no reason for me to live here.  Like I said before, I love Haiti, but I also hate it.  I do need to give Haiti credit where credit is due.  It has helped me realize where the weak parts are in my life, the ugly parts.  I am most definitely in need of more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  It turns out, I'm not nearly as good a person as I thought I was when I moved here three years ago.  I need a whole lot more Jesus in my life that is for sure.

While everything else that I've shared on my blog was all true, I thought it only fair that I show you some of the ugly parts of me, too.  I don't always show God's love.  I mess up all the stinkin' time.  So, this is the real me: the terrible teacher/missionary that I am.  Hopefully that pedestal that I appear to be on is starting to crumble, and if it isn't consider this post my way of attempting to step down off of it.

We all have ugly things in our hearts and lives.  Are you working too hard to keep them hidden?  What is getting in the way of letting people know the real you (faults included)?