The days since Dorothy has returned have been a time of rest for me. Although I thought I was totally back to normal health a few days ago, my body decided otherwise. I have still been trying to recover from whatever illness I've had. As much as I am ready to be back on my feet again, this time of rest has been nice. I have been able to think, pray, read, and then pray some more. I've had a lot on my mind, and I will admit it has been overwhelming.
Because I've been thinking and praying about so many different things during this time, I think I will just start with one of the topics. I have been examining my own heart. I am sure many of you have done that before and can relate that it is not always a fun exercise, but it has to be done. So, here I go. Please understand this is difficult, eye opening, and even somewhat embarrassing.
I've been thinking a lot about love. I know that God is love. I know that I came to Haiti out of love. I know that I came to Haiti to share God's love. But, I feel like somewhere in the jumbled mix of moving to a third world country, learning a new language, living with 26+ children, struggling to adapt to a completely different kind of life, and trying to understand Haiti, I have lost my focus of love. "How is that possible?" I've been asking myself. That was my whole intent upon moving here. I love the children here, I love the people here, and yet I realize that all my actions have not been motivated by love. I think more often than not, I realize my actions are motivated by a sense of obligation rather than love. That hurts deep inside me even as I type these words.
1 Corinthians 12:1-3 says "If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophesy and an fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." If I am in Haiti working to feed, clothe, and educate, but I have not love the people here gain nothing. What good I am to the Haitians here if I do not do everything out of love? Clothes last for months maybe a year or two, food lasts for a few days, but love...God's love lasts for eternity.
I just deleted an entire paragraph that I had typed trying to explain how I had gotten to this point of a lack in love. I realized it is not necessary. You don't need to worry about any of that. What it boils down to is that I slowly started making myself busier and busier and taking less and less time for God. Crazy, right? How is that possible for a "missionary (or something like that)"? But yes, it is true. How can I love others (I mean really love others) when I'm not taking enough time to receive God's love. I can't give something away that I don't have. I've realized the kids can wait, the laundry can wait, the dusty floor can wait, but my time with God is more precious than gold and it cannot wait.
Like I said, a lot has been on my mind during this time of "rest". This was just ONE of the many things I have been thinking and praying about. I admit I am really looking forward to a time of rest in the states. I am hoping to pray and figure out even more about myself and what I am doing while I am back in the US. My dad, is arriving in Haiti tomorrow afternoon along with our pastor and his wife, Mark and Lori Gittens. I am really looking forward to having them here with the kids and me! Then next Tuesday, I will be flying home with them on the same flight.
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