I always like when friends come to visit and can see what my life is like first hand. Seeing their reactions helps to remind me that Haiti really is vastly different from what most people are used to. Kate shared that she would like to do a lot of video taping while she is there. Her goal is to upload videos daily of what Haiti is like and what her reaction is to everything she is sees and experiences there. I also suggested that she do some "guest posts" on this blog. I think it will be nice to get different perspectives on Haiti. Kate and I already have a LOT planned for such a short time.
In the meantime, I have been running errands and checking things off my "Things to Bring Back From the States" list. I am going to attempt to make my apartment more homey once I get back. I am hoping that a few pictures on the walls, new curtains, a pretty shower curtain, and some handmade pillows (if I can actually succeed in making them) will do the trick. I admit this has been a little bit of an internal battle for me. Hopefully you can follow this....On one hand, I want to make my house look homey and personal. Maybe its just the girly girl in me, but I think that a little decoration and personal touch will make my house more of a home. However on the other hand, I feel guilty spending money on curtains and fabric when I know how many people live in tents and poverty all around me. Am I being too materialistic by wanting to decorate a little? This truly is something that I've thought about a lot. I want to make a little home for myself, but at the same time I know that God could very easily call me somewhere else unexpectedly, forcing me to leave it behind. I know that I am blessed, but often times I feel guilty for how much I have. My apartment is so nice that it is almost too nice...sometimes I truly find myself wishing that I had a less nice home. I have so much more than most Haitian families. And yet, now I find myself getting ready to bring back curtains and decorations. I know that wanting to decorate a little might not seem like a big deal to most people, but I want all materialism in me to die. I realize that to "stay sane" in such a crazy and difficult country I need to treat myself once in a while. I think that brightening up my house will help keep me cheery. In reality, I know that true joy and happiness only comes from the Lord and being in His presence. So, where does this realization leave me? Well, it leaves me with a suitcase of things to take back to Haiti and an understanding that they are just that: things. They won't make me happier and they won't really give me true joy. They are blessings, but they should not take my focus away from the Lord or what I am doing in Haiti. I don't want to get wrapped up in making a home for myself. I want to continue to going outside my four walls and putting my efforts into pouring into those around me...not into making myself more comfortable.
Isn't it funny the mental dilema that a few curtains and pillows has caused me? Yes, I often have a desire to "store up earthly treasures", but the Holy Spirit has made me uncomfortable with being comfortable. And so, my spirit wrestles with my flesh. When I am comfortable, my focus drifts off of Him and onto myself. When I am comfortable, I lose my dependence on Him. Lord, I may regret this prayer later, but please let me never be comfortable.
Lord, open up the sky fall down like rain. I don't want blessings, I want You. Open up the sky, fall down like fire. I don't want anything but you. I won't be satisfied with anything ordinary. I won't be satisfied at all.
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